wat

When your big boss and your boss both think you are smarter and more capable than you do, and want you to try scary, new things, and you realize that almost every good decision you've made started out as a scary, new thing, you've got a lot to think about.

accidental investment

When you realize that the house you bought on a whim has increased $1M in value in four years.

ok

Well, at least I know I'm being compensated fairly, based on the recent offer and the current refinance. And yet, might I leave this behind??

at peace

Almost eight months after my sudden (but probably belated) decision to change groups at work, I think I'm finally at peace with my choice. Giving up "what if" and friends can be so hard, but I think that I made the right choice for my own sanity.

less guilt

Since adopting Henry at a shelter over a year ago, I've checked the shelter website almost every week, mostly to see if the runner-up dog (the dog that I almost picked instead of Henry) was still there. He was there every week, his picture looking at me as if to say, "I would have liked to leave the shelter, too." I always felt a little bit guilty, but couldn't stop checking. But this week, Austin's photo is no longer there! I'm hoping this means that someone couldn't resist his charm, and he's off to a brand-new life that's even better than the one he would have had with me.

no brass rings

I grew up in a tiger parent household, always trying to get the best grades, win all the competitions, get into the best schools, all to set myself up for the best life. Once I left home for college, however, I started having doubts about what "the best life" really meant. My classmates all wanted to get consulting or investment banking jobs, but the jobs sounded awful to me. Without much sense of what it was I really wanted to do, I went to law school, and continued to avoid the competition for the best grade, the most exclusive clerkship, the job at the most hardcore firm. I ended up at a firm after graduation, but quickly realized that it just wasn't right for me, and that the brass ring that everyone chased after at the firm -- partnership -- was just like the brass rings people had chased in college and law school. It was something that people wanted because they were supposed to want it, and I just didn't. I left to go to Switzerland, where I worked for an NGO no one had ever heard of, spending 40 hours a week working on something I thought mattered and made a difference in people's lives. It was great. After doing that for a few years, I moved back to the States, taking another non-standard job that was very exciting for me (but still different from what my classmates were doing). I was very happy, I worked on a lot of different things, and after a few years, I eagerly transitioned over to supporting our research group, where all of the ideas are weird and crazy, and some of them are potentially brilliant.

I was extremely happy, and I proudly told myself that this was the result of making conscious decisions to ignore the brass rings that everyone else wanted, and just do things that I wanted to do. I loved it.

Over two years passed, and I was drowning. Boyfriend and I both worked in the same group and it got so busy that we rarely made it home before dark, and struggled to keep our vacation days from maxing out. I had vicious headaches and constant heartburn. I started dreaming about work. My personality started changing, and I started disliking myself. But I had the coolest job! I knew it, having done it for two years, and everyone else always told me it was the coolest job. If you have the coolest job, all other jobs are less cool, and you don't leave the coolest job for something less cool, even if you're waking up in the middle of the night, not sure if it was the nightmare or the heartburn that woke you up.

And I finally realized that even though I was doing something off the beaten path, something that none of my classmates (with whom I refused to compete) were doing, and even though I started doing it because I loved it, I had somehow turned my job into some kind of brass ring, and despite all of my conscious efforts to avoid chasing brass rings, I was holding one and refusing to let it go, even though it was making me do all the things I had always scornfully said I wouldn't do: giving up my personal life for work, letting my work change my personality, making me cry in frustration at my desk after everyone had left or in the bathroom if people were still around.

When I finally admitted that to myself and reminded myself that I don't do brass rings, I screwed up my courage and changed to something closer to where my heart is: international work and non-profits, with the added bonus of having a personal life outside of work. It was an incredibly hard decision to make (this particular brass ring was much harder to turn my back on than the others in the past, and most of my coworkers seem surprised by the change), but I'm already starting to see improvements. I get home earlier. I have vacations planned. I'm nicer to myself and to others.

So this was a big lesson for me. I don't do brass rings, they are really bad for me, and I've always known that. What I didn't know until now is that not all brass rings are readily apparent, and that makes them hard to identify and avoid. Once you have a brass ring, it is really hard to give it up, but for me, if I'm not loving it, giving it up is the right thing to do.

the long goodbye

I sent my goodbye email to one of my teams yesterday. It was bittersweet, because I've worked so closely with them and really got to know some of them well. It's a little hard to let go, even as I breathe a huge sigh of relief over this first step towards my current future of choice.

it gets better

Made it home before 9 almost every night this week! And it's going to get better pretty soon, I think.

quick visit

College friends dropped by for dinner last night. We've known each other almost nineteen years! Several good things established: I love watching dog people play with my dog; fancy chocolate mochi are delicious; at least one pair of my friends is as committed as I am to life sans enfants.

crazy idea

I've been in a bit of a frantic rut lately (if that makes sense), and two days ago, I had a random, crazy idea. Some of my best decisions in the past (getting a dog, moving to Switzerland) started off as random, crazy ideas, so I'll see if this one leads to good things, as well.