no brass rings

I grew up in a tiger parent household, always trying to get the best grades, win all the competitions, get into the best schools, all to set myself up for the best life. Once I left home for college, however, I started having doubts about what "the best life" really meant. My classmates all wanted to get consulting or investment banking jobs, but the jobs sounded awful to me. Without much sense of what it was I really wanted to do, I went to law school, and continued to avoid the competition for the best grade, the most exclusive clerkship, the job at the most hardcore firm. I ended up at a firm after graduation, but quickly realized that it just wasn't right for me, and that the brass ring that everyone chased after at the firm -- partnership -- was just like the brass rings people had chased in college and law school. It was something that people wanted because they were supposed to want it, and I just didn't. I left to go to Switzerland, where I worked for an NGO no one had ever heard of, spending 40 hours a week working on something I thought mattered and made a difference in people's lives. It was great. After doing that for a few years, I moved back to the States, taking another non-standard job that was very exciting for me (but still different from what my classmates were doing). I was very happy, I worked on a lot of different things, and after a few years, I eagerly transitioned over to supporting our research group, where all of the ideas are weird and crazy, and some of them are potentially brilliant.

I was extremely happy, and I proudly told myself that this was the result of making conscious decisions to ignore the brass rings that everyone else wanted, and just do things that I wanted to do. I loved it.

Over two years passed, and I was drowning. Boyfriend and I both worked in the same group and it got so busy that we rarely made it home before dark, and struggled to keep our vacation days from maxing out. I had vicious headaches and constant heartburn. I started dreaming about work. My personality started changing, and I started disliking myself. But I had the coolest job! I knew it, having done it for two years, and everyone else always told me it was the coolest job. If you have the coolest job, all other jobs are less cool, and you don't leave the coolest job for something less cool, even if you're waking up in the middle of the night, not sure if it was the nightmare or the heartburn that woke you up.

And I finally realized that even though I was doing something off the beaten path, something that none of my classmates (with whom I refused to compete) were doing, and even though I started doing it because I loved it, I had somehow turned my job into some kind of brass ring, and despite all of my conscious efforts to avoid chasing brass rings, I was holding one and refusing to let it go, even though it was making me do all the things I had always scornfully said I wouldn't do: giving up my personal life for work, letting my work change my personality, making me cry in frustration at my desk after everyone had left or in the bathroom if people were still around.

When I finally admitted that to myself and reminded myself that I don't do brass rings, I screwed up my courage and changed to something closer to where my heart is: international work and non-profits, with the added bonus of having a personal life outside of work. It was an incredibly hard decision to make (this particular brass ring was much harder to turn my back on than the others in the past, and most of my coworkers seem surprised by the change), but I'm already starting to see improvements. I get home earlier. I have vacations planned. I'm nicer to myself and to others.

So this was a big lesson for me. I don't do brass rings, they are really bad for me, and I've always known that. What I didn't know until now is that not all brass rings are readily apparent, and that makes them hard to identify and avoid. Once you have a brass ring, it is really hard to give it up, but for me, if I'm not loving it, giving it up is the right thing to do.